Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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