so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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