I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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