I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
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Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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