Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize