Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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