Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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