I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
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Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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