i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We are all done wearing pants today
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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