Your mouth is God's brothel.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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