Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
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I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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