this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
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Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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