my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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