I puked a lego.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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