So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
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Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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