You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
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I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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