Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
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im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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