you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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