Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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