you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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