FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
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woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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