Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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