Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
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You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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