The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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