I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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