I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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