The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
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We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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