She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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