I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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