i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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