We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize