she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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