I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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