I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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