Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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