So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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