Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My ass is underappreciated
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Shame is for Republicans.
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