Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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