So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
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I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize