and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
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we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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