apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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