I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
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That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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