I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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