im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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