rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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