You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize