Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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