You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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