Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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