In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
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If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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